Behide the curtain

When I was a freshy in Thammasat University, my Bachelor school, I followed my friends to joined a student club of our faculty. It is called Social Work Politic-sacastic Chinese opera.

Our club has a long story which once was a part of Thailand politic history. Performance of our club is like a stage play. Differences from original Chinese opera are that there are not Chinese song or language but only Thai-languaged script which will be spoken with Chinese accent.

The main purpose of the club is to reflect Thai politic. There is politic sarcastic script in the play. We did not pick any sides or colours but only tried to stimulate people to pay more attention to situation Thailand was in and to think of the public instead of private matter.

In the club, There were many responsibilities such as actors and actresses, make-up artists, ventriloquist and else. At first, mine was only a script writer. But when no one showed interest to work with costumes, I then volunteered to be a costumer.

Script is the first thing that had to be done. Then actors, actresses and ventriloquist would rehearse. During the rehearsal, my friends and I would get together to comment them.

Right before the performance, makeup artist team and I had to work hard. I had to make sure that the actors and actresses could move well, make sure that safety pins would not stab them and that the costume would not fall down while they're on stage.

Sounds easy, eh. But believe me, it's not that easy at all.

When the plays were on stage, behide the stage was busy. I had to stare at the players and tried to find out if there was anything wrong. I had to run to the player right after they walked back to the backdrop to check the clothes. In my jeans pocket, there were hundred of safety pins were ready to be used. That's the source of my another one nickname, safety pin girl.

It was a great time in my life. I learned to work as a team and be a part of them. We had conflicts. We fought. We argued. And, finally, we learned to solve the problems and get back together.

Life is like a play.

There are scenes we have to play and behide-the-scene that has to be managed. While the success of our performance can be indicated by feedback from beholders, their claps and laughs, mine is smiles of people around me.

On the surface you see me, it is not that I am playing a play or pretending. I have to go on and I just am doing my best to balance things in my life at the moment while worries keep running behide my performance, staring at me and looking for times when I am weak; so they will take all of my strength's place.

I am trying to pay more attention to something while trying my best not to drop anything. I try not to complain, weep, ask for sympathy or understanding even though I feel weary or even weak sometimes.

Once an actress stumbled over electric wire and that made the skirt torn; I had to run to her, brooch more than twenty safety pins on the skirt within only a couple minutes and she needed to get back on the stage to keep the play going. After the play, I had to sew it to prepare for the next performance.

In the same way, I need to make my performance to be great although there're hundred pins ready to stab into my heart and prepare myself to get ready to face my next day.

Behide my curtain, I need to deal with my worries to make my life to move on.

Morning Sea

I found myself barefoot and walking on the beach in this early morning.

As being surrounded with gentle early-morning sunlight, the sound of the wind and waves... , let's let my anxious mind calm down.


And let it fly away............


So complacent, I felt, silent and relax. There was none of annoying and worried things around here. I would love to spend my time like this......


to waste my time by doing nothing like this.....






How great it felt, you know?

I love morning sea...


Though it was not stary sky as I always love but it looked unbelieveably beautiful.


While everbody is being busy with their lives, I felt envy myself at this moment.






Morning sea was so nice and perfect..... but too bad....



I was alone...

Let me know if I should take my chance.

Take a breath, take it deep

Calm yourself, he says to me

If you play, you play for keeps

Take a gun, and count to three





As life is like a gambling, I will never know what I am taking my chance on would take me.






Say a prayer to yourself

He says, close you eyes

Sometimes it helps

And then I get a scary thought

That he’s here means he’s never lost







Sometimes I try to calm myself.

Then I run away. I hide and my defense mechanism works hard.



So I know..... I really am the loser.








I’m sweating now, moving slow

No time to think, my turn to go






As thinking too hard, being unreasonable and nonsense, I still am confused and hesitate if I should take another step....

I, however, have to get going...,

take another chance, throw a dice, one more time playing





Waiting to see what my ace is,

can you see me confused?

Do you notice that I am nervous?

Can you tell I am scared?

And.... do you ever care?





Finally, it may be me who is impatient.






And you can see my heart beating

You can see it through my chest

And I’m terrified but I’m not leaving

Know that I must pass this test







So just pull the trigger.......








BANG!!

Secret project for mom's birthday

Uncountable necklace were brought out from a drawer. My mom sat on the floor and cleaned those necklace gently one by one.


"Some of them are cracked. I don't keep them well." Mom said while looking at one of her marble necklace regretfully.


It is like some guys appreciate Harley Davidson, like when my friend and cousin stare at handsome actors in Korean series, like when my dad croons a song while washing his car, and just like me when I am away from my thesis; those collected necklace are her happiness.


Mom can spend a day sitting still, cleaning her precious collection. I can see her eyes and little-smile lips when she touches her necklace.


As realizing about very little time I have, I decided to throw my hand-made Christmas and new year cards and gifts for my friends away. Then I listed what I need while picturing about something in my mind, looked in my drawer for what I already had and went to a store to get what I did not have.


Sorry that I have to say.... there's no handmade cards from me this year, guys.



These are what I need.

I wish I could be good at carpentry. But since I am not, so all I can do is just using very thick paperboards. And because I am not able to cut glass... So I use acrylic sheet instead.

Now it becomes visible...

Finally, this is what I get.... ,

a thin cubboard to hang on the wall with tiny hooks for mom to hang her necklace

Don't look too close...

Otherwise you will feel sorry for my mom for getting this thing for her birthday.

You know me!

"You can't stop taking trips~ it's in your nature!"


"I know how much of an adventurer you are."


"Did you decide where you will travel?"


"Let me know where and when you will have your trip again. If I'm free, I want to join."


"Do you plan for another trip yet?"







OK.... from those statements from friends over the world I have, I can't say that they don't know me.



Am I that easy to read??








Then....


one statement from a guy appears in my mind....







After considering it, OK.... I admit,

among friends from many parts of the world, this guy knows me best!!

What did he say to me?

"So When you will finish your thesis, dear?"

The biggest journey of my life

5 years ago, I had an internship as a community coordinator in a Karen village in Chiangmai.

I packed my stuffs in a big backpack and left home in an evening without anyone in my family to say byebye to.

No one told me....

my going to Chiangmai that time was going to change my life forever.

My gal team

There were 10 girls went to Chiangmai for this project. We were separated into 5 teams and lived in 5 villages which quite far from each other.

Our responsibility was to do a project which was useful for the community we stayed. Some teams joined NGOs or GOs and became a part of their project. Noon and Bow who were in the closest village did a project about local wisdom and youth in the village.

For Track and me, while we were getting to know people in Nong Tao, the Karen village we stayed, walking and talking with every households there, we noticed that there were just elder and young generations there. Karen youth went downtown to work and left home forever.

That was the beginning of our project.

My buddy and I

During the first several days living there, well.... I confess... I had homesick. My family (my mom, uncle in law, aunt and my nephews) had a trip in the north of Thailand and visit me for only an hour.

For some reasons, when I saw my mom, I ran to her suddenly. I hug her tight and cried because I missed her so much.

"Is it hard for you to stay here?" my mom asked. She's worried about me there. She thought I could not be in the Karen village since lifestyle there was such different.

I never minded tough lifestyle. I even like to try to live in different culture place. But.... well... as I said, I knew it's homesick.

After my family got back, I lived my life there as usual.

Our lifestyle there was to wake up at 5.30, wash face, brush teeth, have breakfast, leave to work, back home in the late afternoon, prepare dinner for the whole family, shower, watch TV or chat with them and then go to bed.

Some days we just stayed home, did nothing and chatted with Mu Por, the youngest daughter of the family.

The family we stayed with

Actually, it was just 8 of them that we stayed in the same house.

Some days we would follow Sae, a son of the family who's 2-year older than us, to the family's field and help him do fieldwork.

Chompoo, the right one, a girl who always followed my steps wherever I went.

Some days there were some friends took us around the village or we would leave the village to downtown by asking passing truck to ride with them.

My first time riding on motor bike

Saithong ran follow me to watch my back.

Some days we would follow Joni, the father of the family, wherever he went or walk around the village to get to know people there and learn local wisdom.

Village view from a field

Dressed like local people, trying to be one of them.

Day by day.... and day by day....

Something inside of me was changing without me knowing it.

The day we had to leave the village to get back to Bangkok, I realized that things would never be the same.

The path I have left behide once led me to a place that changed my life forever.

My life got such things from living there.

We learned many things while our lives went on in the village.

They're felixibility, open mind, sacrifice, helping each other, friendship, hope and love

Most of all, freedom.

And since then, I knew I much grew up.

I became a girl who was seeking for freedom, eager to searching for something I have never seen before and ready to exchange anything I have just to see the world.

As we know, experiences shape our lives.

Although I realize that I must have homesick much at first but I know that I will get thru it.

Now I am looking forward to see my another great journey and excited to know who I will become afterward.

Smile for December :)

Today in the past one year, someone's smiling to the world.

"Do you see the sky?"

Someone made a call to me just to tell me what he saw when I was getting home from hanging out with friends.

That's when I looked up to the sky and realized that happiness is all around.

Say you will not smile once you see this face when you look up in the sky.

Smile to the world, then the world will smile back to you.

:)

My Days In Chiang Khan

The bus arrived there earlier than I have expected, 4 in the morning. I was awake when I felt the bus stopped and looked around....

Hmm... there's no one on the bus.




"I am going to Chiang Khan," I told the driver.

"This is Chiang Khan," he replied.




After being kicked out of the bus, I grasped my backpack and wander from the point I was left.

The town was sleeping when I got there.

I looked at a map in my hand, trying to find where the place I would stay was.

No any other people, there're only me and my shadow.

It's not opened yet. Well.... it even was 4 in the morning.... I looked at a closed door of a concreted house and stood there for alittle while.

My stomach's scream was reminding me that I have not eaten anything since the night before. I decided to carry my almost-bigger-than-me backpack and find a market for my super early breakfast.

Early morning market

I ran away from a big city to reconsider about something. I told my family that I would come here for meteor shower while the sky was even cloudy.

5.30 am, I walked along a track by Mae Khong river.

Left side across the river, it's Sinakham province, Laos.

After my breakfast, I walked back to the house. The door was opened when the owner saw me was sitting at the front. I threw my backpack into a room and followed the homestay owner to offer food, in this case, it's sticky rice, to monk.

Chiang Khan is a strong Buddhist community.

Mae Khong river view from the room I stayed

Da, the owner of Sai Ru Dee house, took me to a temple. It's Buddhist holy day. I rarely go to temple when I am in Bangkok. Well... it was good to have a chance to go to temple though it was different place, I thought.

At the early of the next month, there will be "100-year-old Chiang Khan" festival. At the temple I went with Da, there was a community meeting, talking about the festival. The leader of the town asked for cooperation from people. After sitting there, observing their discussion, I then found that this town was a strong community.

Community meeting in a temple

The town is unique by itself. The culture and tradition still remain against modern lifestyles and mainstream values. They have their own language which is Thai but Luang Prabang (a province of Laos) accent. Their writing language is also influenced by Laos. And these are charm of Chiang Khan.

Old wooden buildings were charm of Chiang Khan.

I loved to walk and enjoy seeing the old town.

Modern lifestyle can be seen there also. Guesshouses, coffee shops, internet cafe' and create-decorated gift shops are sparsely in the town.

Will oneday Chiang Khan become like Pai? I asked myself.

Chiang Khan is challenged by this question. When modern civilization is visitting the town, an identity of Chiang Khan is questioned how long it can remain its culture and tradition. Some people I have discussed with said that they want their economic to be better than what it is now. One thing that can make theor dream come true is to promote the town to be a tourist attraction.




I went back to the homestay to shower. I had a good conversation with Da about her life in Chiang Khan and what she thought about the change. Then I rented a bicycle and rode it around the town.

School bus

The red sign says "Student's sweetheart"

After I have riden the bike to a bus station for a ticket to get back to Bangkok, I rode across Chiang Khan to a place called "Kang Kood Koo," the place where Mae Khong river bends and it becomes a view point near the town.

On the way there, the way was so quiet and there was no any houses on some parts. It was so silent that I hesitated to ride thru.

On the way to the destination

Rode till I wondered if the place really existed.

Then..... there it was!! White sign with red arrow told me that it was not too far.

"Scared?" I asked myself.

"Quite," I heard myself replied. After some experiences I was forced to get in the past, I never trust silent ways ever again.

The last sentence of my mom was echo-ing inside my head, "Don't trust anyone, Khwan."

I then asked myself while riding on the bike if I trust the situation too much. So that I was careless and rode the bike out of the town on silent road like this.

Though finally, I got back to the town safely... "Don't do like this often," I warned myself. "It's not funy if there's something happen with you." I always warn myself that I may not always be lucky like this. The most of all.... I can not protect myself as I always say to everybody.

"Don't worry! I can take care of myself." I just say it to lessen my family's worries. But... to be true.... I never be confident that I could really protect myself as I say.

Chiang Khan boundary post was on the way from Chiang Khan town to Kang Kood Koo

Immigration checkpoint

Entrance and exit were between those couple trees.

It was that simple as you can see.

As getting back to the homestay, I was quite sore. How long I didn't do much exercise or ride bicycle like this??? Awhile, I guessed.

I was about to explore the town again. But then I found that my legs were weary. Da pointed me to a building obliquely opposite to her place. I then walked there.

"You rode on bicycle, didn't you?" an auntie asked me while she was pressing her elbow on my thigh.




Hmm.... I thought I saw a natural law obviously....

Because there's a thing has happened, another thing then happened.

Because there're bicycle for tourist to ride, that's why there're Thai massage shops there.

After I fell asleep while my nerves were being treaded by elbows, hands, knees and feet of the auntie, I got back to the homestay to have dinner with Da. She even searched for me to let me know that she prepared dinner for us already.

I took the bike back to the shop and took a walk to see Chiang Khan in the evening again.

By-Mae Khong-river track in the dark

How many places are there.... that could make me feel safe and warm, ensure me that there would not be any bad things happen though I was alone in the dark and strange place like this.

I was back to the homestay and went to bed earlier than usual.

Would the sky be clear tonight? I questioned.

Somehow I would not be lucky to see meteor shower when the sky still was cloudy like this...





............................................................................................................................................................................................




The sky was cloudy....

It was 3 and 4 in the morning that I woke up to look up to the sky. Unfortunately, I could not see anything.... no meteor shower... no any stars....

Anyway, meteor shower was not the main issue for me to come here.




One habit of mine is I like to see the sky wherever I go.

Chiang Khan sky that I know then is the faded cloudy sky, both day and night time.

At my second night in Chiang Khan, I just wished I could see some stars there.

Da knocked on my door around 6 in the morning, asking if I wanted to offer food to monk with her this morning. I shaked my head and said no. I was tired and did not sleep enough due to one of my habit.

It is I can not sleep tight during night time if I have to be in different place and I will be awake almost every hours.

Anyway, back to when Da knocked on my door, I did not want to get up yet since the weather was cool enough for me to want to be under the blanket and... well... I am not wake-up-early person.

On my second day, I didn't do anything much, only walked and walked and walked from a side to another side of the town and enjoyed atmosphere there.

Started from the place I have spent my nights in Chiang Khan

It was an old house in Chiang Khan.

Check out the wall, then you will see their folk wisdom of how they build their habitation.

The wall structures were made from intertwined bamboo pieces, then covered the structure with stucco.

Chiang Khan local product -- 1,000% cotton blanket

The town receptionist.

Wish I could find a guy like him -- watched my back on every steps I have taken, sat and waited until I finished my errands, sat with me in silence and turned to give me a big smile sometimes, and warned me when I was busy with something for too long.

I'm not sure if it's because I walked around there many times or because of my stand-out shirt, so that people there recalled me and someone finally asked if I got lost in the town and offered me for a ride to where I wanted to go.

In this easily noticeable shirt, everyone there could tell I was a tourist.

When I realized that I was tired of walking around the town, I found some place to take a rest.

Then I thought about an internet cafe' I have walked pass. Hmmm.... I did not come to Chiang Khan to find a new place to be online. So.... let's look over it.

I then walked to a park by Mae Khong river and sat there until the sun set.

Public park by Mae Khong river

Can you tell that I was lonely?

In the second evening, I didn't want to bother Da with asking her for dinner. So I stopped by at a restaurant to had diner alone. Funny.... I ordered some food I always like, but in that evening, the food taseted not delicious as I thought it would be....

Was is because of the food itself? Or was it because I was alone?

It was so cloudy that I could not see the sunset.

After my dinner, I walked back to the homestay. There's a guy was riding on bicycle passing me. He stopped and called me.




"I saw you walk back and forth many times. Where are you going?"

"No idea. I just take a walk around." I told him.

I then knew that he's a friend of a postcard shop where I spent an hour there and chatted with the owner.

"I will go to badminton court. Wanna take a look?" he asked.




My mom's words echoed in my head again.... Don't trust anyone.

But finally, I found myself sitting in a badminton court.

I asked myself.... why I was there....

Yeah, I realized that there would be many people there and it would be safe enough for me to be there.

Yeah, I had nothing to do at that evening.

And yeah,.... I was careless.

However, I didn't regret for my easily following the guy to the badminton court. I found that the front part of the court was an old cinema of the town.

The old cinema

Soldiers and police in uniforms were welcome for free.

The second floor was only for VIP.

It even costed you 7 Thai Baht.

After getting back from badminton court, I talked with the guy for a little while and excused myself to go back to the place I stayed when he invited me to a traditional wedding celebration.

My last night in Chiang Khan was not so bad. I had some people to keep me company and had a reat conversation with them. The story about the town was told. New guesshouses are under construction. I could imagine that the change was about to arrive in Chiang Khan.

I questioned them about how the town would against the mainstream culture and economic. Some said they wanted the town to remain its local culture and tradition since they are Chiang Khan charm and selling point. But as being in this world, we can not avoid change when tourist come to the town and request for convenience more and more.

The sky was cloudy in my last evening there, Chiang Khan either. I walked a long a small alley again to memorize pictures of this small unique town.

As being not Chiang Khan people and and I was just a tourist to visit the town, all I could do is just to wish that modern civilization will not change the town too soon and too much.