I never be alone.

Mom once said,

"If you don't think you are alone, you never be alone."





I didn't really understand what she tried to tell me.





"Lonely" I told her one day after my breaking up.

"You're not alone," she said.




"Look around and think about it.

There are so many things and many people stand by you."









Since I am in the USA,

there are many times I feel lonely, especially, during night time.




So I close my eyes and try to pull out my strength from some corners inside of me.

"I'm not alone." I tell myself and smile while thinking about my family and friends who are across the ocean, leaning my head on my pillow and pretending it's someone's chest.






But who would ever know.....


Somehow I have someone or something to keep me company but I just never notice.



Somehow they are there, always there.

It is just they want to surprise me, so they hide themselves around me.

While I was washing my bedsheet today, one of them got caught.

A bitten waffle piece...

I never know how long this guy has been being my bed company.

Mom is right....

If I notice, I never be alone....

The night to free something inside of me

One year, while we were spending our first school holiday at our uncle in law's place, he back home with a lage black construction paper, a large card board and 3 big pumpkins.


"Anyone wanna be a witch?"

"Me!"


Every of us raised our hands and started to make our own witch hat while he was working on the pumpkins.


Finally, we had 3 witches and, since the paper was not enough, another 2 cousins of mine were bedsheet phantom. Then uncle Ron came to us with his 3 Jack O'Lanterns.

He gave me one Jack to hold and another two to my cousins.


"Alright!" He said.

"Everyone make scariest face and say 'Boo!'"




"Booooooooooo!!"

He took pictures of the witches and bedsheet phantoms holding Jack O'Lantern

and.....


that's it.......




That's Halloween in my memeory.




Although it lasted only a few hours with making those handmade costumes and hats

and it seemed to be nothing, only "Boo!"



but we had fun, really.














When in Rome, do what Roman does....



I kind of was forced to dress up for Halloween party this year.



At first, I was thinking I would borrow my host kid's stuff.

Even though some of her stuffs fit me, I feel ashame to myself to have those on.



Why??



She is 2 years old.... wears 2T-sized stuffs.....

I am 26 years old..... but 2T-sized stuffs fit me......




Looking at myself with her clothes on....

I feel like I had some disorder with my Hypothalamus when I was young, so it refused to secrete Growth Hormone...



Therefore, I looked into my closet to find some clothes I could use.

The next one was our recycle bin

and these were what I found.

Some wire from thrown-away toy box

and red cloth which was left from art project

Now, all I wanted is just to get black tights and paint.

Can you guess what my costume is?

I'll give you a clue.

It is something my mom would say I have been being for 26 years.

There!!

After a few hours, I've got some stuffs for my costume.

Somehow you know what it is now?

Alright....

Let's free the devil inside of me for a night.

Now I'm ready to freak out!

(I don't like that tail anyhow.)

Scariest Dream I Ever Have!

I was babysitting a baby.

While the world around me seemed to be peaceful, I was tired with calming down the baby since he had colic.


I remember he was crying so hard that I didn't know what to do but only tried to put him down, but, finally, I had to give myself timeout to calm myself from stress I had.




One day, I back home and found that there was a tornado had spinned in the house.

It left a BIG mess there. Everything was thrown from its place and it was like a big junk in the room waiting for me to throw them away.




On another day, I found myself trying to catch a boy, have him worn clothes and put him in a car because it's his school time.

The boy ran around the room, screaming and whining because he didn't want to go school.

While I was running to catch him, I thought why I have to have hectic morning like this every single day.





Those were what happen in my dream last night.


Actually, it is what I have to be with in every single day at the moment.

But the thing that made my dream scariest ever......



was when the boy who was running around ran to me.....










and called me

"MOM"!

A Girl's Question

Every mornings, when I open my room door and walk out there,

there's a little girl is always sitting on her chair at a dining table.

She turns to me and says the same thing almost every mornings,

"Oh, Hi, Khwan!"



I reply her the same sentence she says to me, "Oh, Hi Gracie!"



Instead of asking if I slept well last night, she then asks me the same question every times,



"Khwan, what are you doing here?"



I laugh every times I hear that

and always tell her that I come here to hang out with her.







But.....

recently,

for some reasons,




instead of laughing and telling her that,

I only smile to her and turn my face to a counter to prepare her breakfast quietly

while a question is spinning in my mind.



It is my first time here to ask myself this question...




What am I doing here?

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I have my own life here.

I realize that it would be more difficult than the life I am living at the moment.

No free place to stay

No free food to eat

No free car to drive

But for me, freedom is sweeter than those stuffs.

I never think I waste my time here.

Because, at least, I have chances to get to learn many things.

For now,

I decide to go as far as I can go,

to walk as far as my legs have power to.

If there'd be day I realize that

"Alright, this is the line. This is the best I can do."

I would just turn back home.

Dream,

Live,

and Thrive

These are what I am doing.

Or, at least,

I am trying to.

By the way,

to make it fit in my situation,

I am not here to take care of kids.

I am here to find out that I don't want kids!

Tunnel

There was a boy lived in a house. He liked to play in his yard.

One day, while he was playing in the yard by his fence, he heard something from another side of the fence.




"Wanna play?"

"Who is it??" he shouted to ask.

"It's me." The voice shouted back.




It was a girl who was his neighbor.




"Wanna play?" The girl asked.

"How?"

"You play there, I play here. We can talk at the same time."




After since, the boy and the girl played together through the fence.




One day, they were playing by the fence as usual.

"I wanna see you. So we can play for real." The girl said through the fence.

"What should we do?" Asked the boy.




"Somehow we can dig a tunnel?" The girl gave him an answer.

"Tunnel?"

"Yes. You dig from your side. I dig from my side," she suggested her idea.

"And we will meet at the middle?"

"That's right."




"Okey," the boy said.




They started digging the tunnel.

The boy digged from his side, was hoping the girl did hers too.




At the same time he was digging the tunnel, he shouted to ask the girl.

"Are you there?" the boy asked.

"Yeah, I am digging," replied her.




Day by day, the boy still asked the same question,

"Are you still there?"

"I am pausing," she said.

"Why's that?"

"I just stop to figure out what the tunnel would be like."

"Okey," the boy had to accept what the girl did, but he still kept doing his job.




Days had passed,

one morning, while the boy was digging his tunnel,

he shouted over the fence to check if his play mate was there.

"Are you still playing?" He heard from another side of the fence.

"Yeah, are you?"

"I quit already," she told him.




The answer made the boy stun.




"You quit?" he asked.

"Yeah. I think this just doesn't work."




After awhile silence, he asked her with another question.

"What should I do then?"




"You should quit too."

"...................."

"This is just a tunnel. Don't be serious with it."

"..................."

"Don't waste your time with this stuff. Just do something else," continued the girl and walked away.




The boy sat at the bottom of the tunnel he had been digging and kept thinking about what the girl had told him.




For all along, he never had any question about the tunnel or even about if the girl had any other tunnels she wanted to make.

He just trusted that she did her best and kept digging it deeper and longer,

was hoping to see the girl oneday.









Quit digging....




Although it's not that hard to do....

but the harder is another thing.




He then looked up to the entrance of the tunnel

and asked himself,





How could he climb up to get out of the tunnel?