Throughout The Year of 2010

One thing I always do at the end of the year is to look back thoughout the whole year and repeat what had happened and what I have done in the past one year.


Year of 2010 is like the other years in my life.


There're something took place, something have gone.

There're something I have got, something I was missing.

There're many great things I have got, also something to challenge my strength.



The most special thing that I am blessed to get this year

is to get to spend time with someone.




All things you've done help me get through the year.



Thank you for being there,

and making my year be more special than I have expected.






Due to unexpected long vacation over Christmas, I should not complain about I have to work on New Year Eve and New Year Day.


As getting stuck home alone,

I am counting down to the year of 2011 with my pillows

and be as usual as I always am every New Year Eve --





Being excited with

and looking forward to the next year!




Happy New Year, Everyone!!

Reason To Laugh

Smiling and laughing are indicator of my happiness.

I describe myself as a person who can find funny things in things around and can smile at every single thing.

There are some people see me crazy. But at least, a good side of it is it still make me know that I am positive and cheerful.

There is my favorite video clip on Youtube which always remind me not to let myself down and always be happy.

Allow yourself to laugh at silly thing

Somehow I'm crazy as my friends say that I always laugh at nonsense and silly things.

But why is there need to have to find reasons to laugh, right?

A Christmas Effect

"I don't want to nap!" screamed a little boy.






Due to Christmas, there were a lot of activities and parties in these past several days.

Although you have so much energy, but, believe me, this is the chance you will get exhausted.



You will get to see Santa Clause every other days and there are pizzas and also candies for your dinner.

You will see a lot of children running around the small room and as you turn your face to another way even just a few seconds, when you turn back to look for your kids, you will see them scoop candies into their little mouthes while grabbing candy canes in both hands.

Then, there will be some people come to talk to you. So you have to talk to them and try to keep your eyes on the kids while they're playing hide and seek among those kids with you.






Well....

those are enough for you to get tired.



Too much party never be good for anyone.

I can tell that there's an obvious effect from Christmas parties. Since those already turn little guys around me into little cranky monsters.



The house was hectic. We had scream, yelling, whine and cry for the whole day.

The best solution for this situation is to put the monsters down to nap.






But......



"I'm not tired!!!"

"I don't need nap!!!"



After playing "Run (away and cry) and Catch (to nap)" for almost an hour, finally, I could grab these little cranky guys and put them to bed sucessfully.

The house was in peace finally.....






Well..... just a little while later,



there're bangings on the door.

I heard screaming and yelling,



"I don't want to nap!!!"






I then closed my eyes....... and took a very, very deep breath.

"You don't want to nap?" I talked to the little monster in my mind.



"But I do need your nap."

DAD

Once when I was young and all I knew was just to crawl,

There's a guy helped me to learn to stand, to learn to walk.

I stood on his feet, learning every steps he took.

Then, step by step I have learned to walk myself, he was there.

His steps are to follow.

His shoes were at the front door.

I, a young little girl, got them on and walked proudly.

As wanting to walk like he did,

Even though the shoes were heavy, but I tried to walk as I wished.

As growing up and going through many things,

I then know that walking is not as easy as I thought.










The day life is too tough to take,

I get through it from the thing I learn from his heavy shoes and the walk he has made.

Thank you for all of your love,

I do love you so much, DAD.

Dear Santa,

Dear Santa,






As trying to be a good girl for the whole year,

may I ask you for something?





I will cross out everything on my wish list,

no new orange watch,

no new un-cracked camera,

no sunglasses to ship home,

no big pack of M&Ms,

no any other things else from your big red bag,

if I would only ask for one thing from you.

May my Christmas this year is different from the previous one?

I promise to behave myself for the whole next year,

if it would take me a place where I can keep my feet and my heart warm like home,





And I would give anything,

if it only take me warm arms to hide myself for the whole Christmas night.





I would do anything, Santa...





Thank you very much for your listening,


Khwan

Instead of shopping

"What is your plan for this weekend?" I asked my friend.

"I have a meeting on Sunday in Easton."

"What is it about this time?"




After I heard her reply, I then told her,

"I'll see you there."

Somehow this can answer a question I was asked last night when I told a guy that I was sitting in a coffee shop, waiting for my friends shopping for their stuffs.

"Why didn't you hang around them? Your friend sounded like a funny person to be around."

I never say my friend is a boring person. In contrast, I do agree that I also have good time when she's around.

The point is I am just not into shopping. On the other hand, this kind of thing is what I prefer.

There it is...

an activity of my friend's meeting which I was excited to join.

Indoor rock climbing

After waiting in line for a little while,

it was my turn.

Well..........

I..... think..... I'm..... ready......

Because no one was climbing this row,

so, my first try was the second hardest one.

Several times I have tried,

I stuck at the fifth one.

Hrrrr....,

not succeed.

When another row was free,

I was told to try easier ones.

And I did it!

After my first success,

I was excited to continue another.

"Ring the bell and look down here to take picture!"

"I don't care about the bell! Just take the pic!!"

Then, another harder one.

After falling down a few times,

the trainer suggested me the way to reach to the top.

Okey...

give me more tries.

While I was climbing,

my friends were cheering.

I climbed,

they cheered.

How great it feels to have someone support you from behide,

right?

I could tell that my arms were too tired of pulling my body upper and upper.

Plus, I should save my power to lift my alive weight tomorrow.

Once again, it was the fifth one I could not get thru.

It was five or six times I have tried, I think.

Finally....

My arms were done.

But my spirit still not give up.

I will have to be back here to fix it!

So, in the meantime,

I should practice!

(Thanks to my friends, Suk and Aor, for all of these pictures.)

Dream : A Girl In Boston & A Guy In A Drug Store

Sound of classical guitar sounded at a distance in a park in Boston.



I was sitting on a side of a bridge, letting my heart blew with the sweet sound. Before I knew that it was almost midnight, there was someone said hello to me from behide.



"Boston is not a city where a girl comes to take a walk alone."

"Excuse me?" I asked.

"Where is your friend?"

"You are alone too." I raised my eyebrows. "Do you live here?"



That was the beginning of our conversation in a night I spent in Boston.

The girl's name was Ellen. She was originally from Canada.

Ellen once visit Boston with her family when she was young. Ever since that time, she had been dreaming she would live in this city.



"Don't stop dreaming."

She said.

"When you stop to dream, you will live without vitality."



We stop talking when the sound of guitar was quiet.

"Can you play 'Home'?" I raised my voice to ask the musician.

"Sure!" He said.

"How about 'You don't know me'?" Ellen also asked.

"Oh, that's one of my favorite song," I told her.

"These two songs cost a can of beer." The musician told us. I thought he saw beer can in Ellen's hands.

"Fine!," Ellen then threw one of her can to him."



"Why do you request that song?" Ellen asked me. "You miss home?"

"Kinda."



She asked what I was doing here.

People who leave home to come across the world usually do it to follow their dreams, Ellen said so.



"I am a dreamer," Ellen mentioned. "What about you?"

"I either am." I told her. "But nonsense dream."

She giggled and said there were not any dreams that were nonsense. It was just whether I already found reasons to make the dream come true.



"I want to travel around the world." This was Ellen's dream.

"I want a family, sweet family, and a cute house." I told her finally after she pestered me to tell her about my dream.



"I wish there would be someone waiting for me home."

"Your dream is so simple."

I laughed. I realized that even though it sounded simple and plain, but it's not that easy to make it true.



"She's not in town, would you give her a song for free?" Ellen asked the musician.

She then nodded her face, telling me to pick a song when the guy agreed.



"I wish you love."



"For whom?" Ellen asked.

"I just like it."

"C'mon" she didn't let go.

"Well, I dream to find the one I would sing this song to."



"You're not a good liar."

I laughed.



I walked back to a place I stayed.

A question of Ellen's kept spinning in my mind.






It was a question I once have asked someone and that made him stop and think.

It was a question I was asked when I was young, and answered the ones who asked me,

"I want to be like my dad."




What if you are asked this question, what would you answer?






"Do you have a dream?"






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"What do you do?" A guy asked me while he was unpacking a needle.

"I am a babysitter." I told him.

"Good."

"Well, not that good." I smiley replied.



"Good for the start." He winked at me.



"I hate that." I told him while looking at a needle in his hand."

"It won't hurt, I promise." He said.



I turned my face to another way when he touched the needle on my arm.

"C'mon, you're not a little girl."

"Sorry, I am chicken."

He laughed.



"How long have you been here?" I asked him when he finished giving me the shot.

"5 Years."

"Is it hard at the start?" I continued my interview.

"Everything are hard at the beginning, sweetie." He then stuck a bandage on my arm.



"People think you're stink."

"Are you serious?" I raised my eyebrows.

"Because they wear perfume or cologne, but we don't"

I laughed and thanked him before I would left the stall.



"But you know what the most important thing is?"

"Yes?"






"Do not let your dream die."






-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------






Dream?



I also have.

And they are many dreams, not only one dream.

I wish I could dedicate my life helping people.

I wish I would spend my life doing things to people around instead of only focusing on my own life.

I wish I would have a peaceful and beautiful life.

I wish I would be good and worth enough for being wanted and for someone to love.

I wish I would have a sweet family.



etc....






Some of those dreams, I am pursuiting.

Some of those dreams, I am trying to make them come true.

While some of those dreams, I already give up on them.






I know that dreams are beautiful themselves.

And life which is fulled of dream is lively, sparkling, and worthy.






But, another thing I know is



when we follow the dream;

we pursuit the dream;

and, finally, when we get to the dream;



the dream we have been dreaming is not there anymore.

But only the truth there for us to deal with.

Falling for Fall

Outside the leaves are falling

The temperature's falling too

Yes, autumn is upon us

But you see, I'm falling too

Oh, I feel like I'm falling for fall

I'm not prevaricating

Nor am I exaggerating

Fall has got me in its grasp, it must be said

Autumn's such a pleasing season

You must see all the tree in

Their blazing colours

Orange

Gold

And red

Should I write fall a love letter

Telling how I feel better

Every times the season comes around each year?

Or maybe I'll just go on

About how nature puts a colourful show on

As a prelude to all kinds of holiday cheer

I feel like I'm falling for fall

There are feelings of elation

Mixed with some anticipation

When I think of all the fun there is in store

And my heart just gets to thumping

Thinking about pile of leaves I'll jump in

It's no wonder that it's autumn I adore!

My Halloween

I spent my Halloween night flying back home in Connecticut.


Although I missed joining Trick Or Treat as I had wished, but it really doesn't matter.


Since for a few days I have spent before Halloween night are enough for me to feel like I already got treat,


very sweet treat.

But.....


Somehow someone knew I'm not really a good girl and since I already got treats from those days,


so I really got tricked on Halloween night.










Therefore, if you ask what my Halloween is like.

For mix feelings I have and feel like they need to be organized,

My answer is I got both trick and treat.

I never be alone.

Mom once said,

"If you don't think you are alone, you never be alone."





I didn't really understand what she tried to tell me.





"Lonely" I told her one day after my breaking up.

"You're not alone," she said.




"Look around and think about it.

There are so many things and many people stand by you."









Since I am in the USA,

there are many times I feel lonely, especially, during night time.




So I close my eyes and try to pull out my strength from some corners inside of me.

"I'm not alone." I tell myself and smile while thinking about my family and friends who are across the ocean, leaning my head on my pillow and pretending it's someone's chest.






But who would ever know.....


Somehow I have someone or something to keep me company but I just never notice.



Somehow they are there, always there.

It is just they want to surprise me, so they hide themselves around me.

While I was washing my bedsheet today, one of them got caught.

A bitten waffle piece...

I never know how long this guy has been being my bed company.

Mom is right....

If I notice, I never be alone....

The night to free something inside of me

One year, while we were spending our first school holiday at our uncle in law's place, he back home with a lage black construction paper, a large card board and 3 big pumpkins.


"Anyone wanna be a witch?"

"Me!"


Every of us raised our hands and started to make our own witch hat while he was working on the pumpkins.


Finally, we had 3 witches and, since the paper was not enough, another 2 cousins of mine were bedsheet phantom. Then uncle Ron came to us with his 3 Jack O'Lanterns.

He gave me one Jack to hold and another two to my cousins.


"Alright!" He said.

"Everyone make scariest face and say 'Boo!'"




"Booooooooooo!!"

He took pictures of the witches and bedsheet phantoms holding Jack O'Lantern

and.....


that's it.......




That's Halloween in my memeory.




Although it lasted only a few hours with making those handmade costumes and hats

and it seemed to be nothing, only "Boo!"



but we had fun, really.














When in Rome, do what Roman does....



I kind of was forced to dress up for Halloween party this year.



At first, I was thinking I would borrow my host kid's stuff.

Even though some of her stuffs fit me, I feel ashame to myself to have those on.



Why??



She is 2 years old.... wears 2T-sized stuffs.....

I am 26 years old..... but 2T-sized stuffs fit me......




Looking at myself with her clothes on....

I feel like I had some disorder with my Hypothalamus when I was young, so it refused to secrete Growth Hormone...



Therefore, I looked into my closet to find some clothes I could use.

The next one was our recycle bin

and these were what I found.

Some wire from thrown-away toy box

and red cloth which was left from art project

Now, all I wanted is just to get black tights and paint.

Can you guess what my costume is?

I'll give you a clue.

It is something my mom would say I have been being for 26 years.

There!!

After a few hours, I've got some stuffs for my costume.

Somehow you know what it is now?

Alright....

Let's free the devil inside of me for a night.

Now I'm ready to freak out!

(I don't like that tail anyhow.)

Scariest Dream I Ever Have!

I was babysitting a baby.

While the world around me seemed to be peaceful, I was tired with calming down the baby since he had colic.


I remember he was crying so hard that I didn't know what to do but only tried to put him down, but, finally, I had to give myself timeout to calm myself from stress I had.




One day, I back home and found that there was a tornado had spinned in the house.

It left a BIG mess there. Everything was thrown from its place and it was like a big junk in the room waiting for me to throw them away.




On another day, I found myself trying to catch a boy, have him worn clothes and put him in a car because it's his school time.

The boy ran around the room, screaming and whining because he didn't want to go school.

While I was running to catch him, I thought why I have to have hectic morning like this every single day.





Those were what happen in my dream last night.


Actually, it is what I have to be with in every single day at the moment.

But the thing that made my dream scariest ever......



was when the boy who was running around ran to me.....










and called me

"MOM"!

A Girl's Question

Every mornings, when I open my room door and walk out there,

there's a little girl is always sitting on her chair at a dining table.

She turns to me and says the same thing almost every mornings,

"Oh, Hi, Khwan!"



I reply her the same sentence she says to me, "Oh, Hi Gracie!"



Instead of asking if I slept well last night, she then asks me the same question every times,



"Khwan, what are you doing here?"



I laugh every times I hear that

and always tell her that I come here to hang out with her.







But.....

recently,

for some reasons,




instead of laughing and telling her that,

I only smile to her and turn my face to a counter to prepare her breakfast quietly

while a question is spinning in my mind.



It is my first time here to ask myself this question...




What am I doing here?

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I have my own life here.

I realize that it would be more difficult than the life I am living at the moment.

No free place to stay

No free food to eat

No free car to drive

But for me, freedom is sweeter than those stuffs.

I never think I waste my time here.

Because, at least, I have chances to get to learn many things.

For now,

I decide to go as far as I can go,

to walk as far as my legs have power to.

If there'd be day I realize that

"Alright, this is the line. This is the best I can do."

I would just turn back home.

Dream,

Live,

and Thrive

These are what I am doing.

Or, at least,

I am trying to.

By the way,

to make it fit in my situation,

I am not here to take care of kids.

I am here to find out that I don't want kids!

Tunnel

There was a boy lived in a house. He liked to play in his yard.

One day, while he was playing in the yard by his fence, he heard something from another side of the fence.




"Wanna play?"

"Who is it??" he shouted to ask.

"It's me." The voice shouted back.




It was a girl who was his neighbor.




"Wanna play?" The girl asked.

"How?"

"You play there, I play here. We can talk at the same time."




After since, the boy and the girl played together through the fence.




One day, they were playing by the fence as usual.

"I wanna see you. So we can play for real." The girl said through the fence.

"What should we do?" Asked the boy.




"Somehow we can dig a tunnel?" The girl gave him an answer.

"Tunnel?"

"Yes. You dig from your side. I dig from my side," she suggested her idea.

"And we will meet at the middle?"

"That's right."




"Okey," the boy said.




They started digging the tunnel.

The boy digged from his side, was hoping the girl did hers too.




At the same time he was digging the tunnel, he shouted to ask the girl.

"Are you there?" the boy asked.

"Yeah, I am digging," replied her.




Day by day, the boy still asked the same question,

"Are you still there?"

"I am pausing," she said.

"Why's that?"

"I just stop to figure out what the tunnel would be like."

"Okey," the boy had to accept what the girl did, but he still kept doing his job.




Days had passed,

one morning, while the boy was digging his tunnel,

he shouted over the fence to check if his play mate was there.

"Are you still playing?" He heard from another side of the fence.

"Yeah, are you?"

"I quit already," she told him.




The answer made the boy stun.




"You quit?" he asked.

"Yeah. I think this just doesn't work."




After awhile silence, he asked her with another question.

"What should I do then?"




"You should quit too."

"...................."

"This is just a tunnel. Don't be serious with it."

"..................."

"Don't waste your time with this stuff. Just do something else," continued the girl and walked away.




The boy sat at the bottom of the tunnel he had been digging and kept thinking about what the girl had told him.




For all along, he never had any question about the tunnel or even about if the girl had any other tunnels she wanted to make.

He just trusted that she did her best and kept digging it deeper and longer,

was hoping to see the girl oneday.









Quit digging....




Although it's not that hard to do....

but the harder is another thing.




He then looked up to the entrance of the tunnel

and asked himself,





How could he climb up to get out of the tunnel?

Chipmunk

One thing I always like to do when I have free time is just to sit in back yard and relax.

I bring my book to read or sometimes just sit there silently, enjoy the atmosphere and watch activities of creatures in the yard.

One of those is a tiny striped squirrel called Chipmunk.

I watched them running back and forth in the yard to collect acorns and throw them into their hole.

If I make a move and they know it, they will run and hide themselves in the hole.

When they realize that there's no one around, then they will come out and lively continue their activities again.

One of my friend, Pleng, compares our lives with chipmunk.





Close your eyes and imagine....





We hide ourselves in a little cave called room.

When we're hungry, we're out of the room to find something to eat.

Our ears are upright, our eyes are much better than usual, just to try to catch anything wrong around.



Suddenly, when we hear something...., mostly, it's move of our host family, we run back to the room.

Then, when things outside are quiet, and we know we avoid them successfully, we then open the door quietly and come out again.






All I did when I heard my friend compared us with the tiny creature was just laugh.

Well, although I admit that I am like that sometimes, but it's just to avoid working when it's my time off.

So, I didn't think that aupair life is really like that.






Last month, I was hanging out at my friend's, Suk, place.

While we were making food and watching movie, her host cat, Kitty, was around almost all the time.

Whatever we did, she walked around like a watch cat and it felt like she kept her eyes on us.

"I have no idea why she likes to be around and stare at us like this," Suk said.

So, when Suk's host family got home, I talked with them about Kitty and what she did around us.

"She just gets bored and had nothing to do," The host dad said.

"Oh? What does she usually do?" I asked

The following sentence of his then clear everything....

"She loves to watch chipmunk."